Do you believe that all Russians are plotting against you?
Are you afraid that Putin is going to take over the world?
Do you think that Eurasianists are all KGB operatives?
Do you think that Alexander Dugin is out to get you?
Are you afraid when you get into an Uber car that the driver might be a GRU assassin?
Are you plagued by Nightmares?
When you lose your ratings, do you automatically assume it is because of Putin KGB trolls?
Are you struggling with your “Sexual Identity”?
Do you spread rumors that Alexander Dugin is a Jew or a Satanist?
Do you have recurrent skin rashes?
Have you dedicated your life to destroying Alexander Dugin?
Have you ever stolen something from a close friend?
Do you blame Brexit, Donald Trump and the Alt-Right on Putin?
Do you often hear voices?
Have you ever had an experience of the “third kind”?
Are there years of your life you can’t remember?
Have you exposed Putin’s conspiracies on your Facebook page?
Are you going grayer and grayer with worry?
Are you afraid of the Orthodox Church?
Are you afraid of invisible insects?
Do you keep seeing chaos symbols everywhere?
Have you ever done DMT?
Have you tried to trace where Alexander Dugin gets his money?
Have you ever considered self-castration?
Do you call Alexander Dugin a Fascist?
Have you accused Alexander Dugin of being a Stalinist?
Have you made up your mind whether Alexander Dugin is Fascist or Communist?
Have you wasted half your life reposting scare stories about Russia?
Are you an open servant of the Atlanticist Forces?
Have you told lies about Alexander Dugin?
Are you becoming more and more accident prone?
Do you believe that Alexander Dugin is working for the KGB and FBI at the same time?
Have you ever “lost Time”?
Would you love to be able to accuse Eurasianists of spreading chemtrails?
Have you made up your mind whether Alexander Dugin is Evil and Dangerous or misguided, marginal and ineffectual?
Do you write entire articles about Dugin based on nothing but state department propaganda?
Have you joined Facebook groups dedicated to the hatred of Putin?
Are you in contact with otherworldly forces?
Do you tell people that everyone who mocks you on the internet is a Kremlin Troll?
Do you still believe that God is dead?
Do you frequently have nightmares you cannot wake up from?
Do you feel persecuted by Alexander Dugin?
Have you had sexual fantasies about Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?
Are you convinced that Alexander Dugin is a power mad megalomaniac?
Have you decided whether Alexander Dugin is incredibly stupid or diabolically brilliant?
Do you tell people Donald Trump is nothing but a Kremlin operation?
Are you convinced tha the KGB gets inside your head and controls your actions ?
Do you worry about microwave beams from Russian satellites driving you insane?
Do you have regular nervous breakdowns because of Trump?
Do you attribute evil occult powers to Alexander Dugin?
Do you feel we are laughing at you?
Have you ever been Trolled?
If you have a deranged and completely incoherent rant, please leave it in the comments section, and feel free to go on as long as you want.
If you answered yes to more than Five of these Questions you may be suffering from Glenn Beck Brain Disease.
We have prepared an extensive treatment plan to address this terrible condition. However, out of the kindness of our hearts and purely humanitarian and altruistic motives it is absolutely FREE. It is not even necessary for you to contact us, as we have already infected all your computers with our botnets, and we know everything about you.
We track your every move with your smartphone, and our microwave satellite beams follow you everywhere. We know all about your disgusting thoughts. We put drugs in your food and drink. We poison you with subliminals and chemtrails. We have already turned your friends and family against you. In extreme cases we use implants direct to the brain. Just listen to the voices Glenn, soon it will all be over, and everything will be just fine…